im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
