it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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