Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
