Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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