When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
