you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
