I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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