Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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