I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
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