There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
