he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
