There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
