walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
