Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
