i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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