I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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