he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize