I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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