So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
