You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
