Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
