just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize