You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
