Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
