i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Why are your pants in the freezer?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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