Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
