i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
