we made out on top of his cat.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize