I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
