broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
