Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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