i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
