Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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