I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize