If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
