Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
