He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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