Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
