She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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