kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
