We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Sorry about my life...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
