Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
