Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
