hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
