dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
