your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
