Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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