Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
