I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
