god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
