I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
