Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize